?

This is where I go where I want to relax.

Yesterday after work I came here. I love to be here. Everything is silent, quiet.
As soon as I enter the building I feel released, relieved.
It's my cure lately.

It´s finally Friday.

Days are running so fast. And it´s finally Friday, lucky me. I am so tired. Yesterday I went to bed at 10.15 and this morning when I woke up I was still sooooooo tired. Unbelievable.
Today is a pretty calm day in the office. It´s Anne, my assistant, last day and I am kind of sad she´s leaving. Upstairs seems calm and in any case I am trying to avoid to go there. Bad vibes.
I have to do a lot of stuff as soon as I am in feierabend, but I´ll think about that later.

I have booked my flight to Italy yesterday. I´ll fly for the 27th of September and I´ll stay in Italy for about 8 days. Hopefully I will be able to relax, after my exams.

I have friends over during the weekend. I am happy, I havent spend some time with her for such a long time and maybe we´ll fix something that broke many years ago.
I want to bring them here
On Saturday night there will be also Der Lange Nacht der Museen
There will be some concerts and I think it will be cool to see Museums in the night time, especially if the weather is nice and if I´m around the Museen Inseln. It is always so beatiful there, even when it´s raining....

The Tomatina in Bunol, Spain

This is not blood, dont worry. It is a traditional battle that happen every year, in the last Wednesday of August in Bunol. Spain. This year 40.000 people attended the battle and they used around 110 tons of tomatoes in a few hours.
Now: I do know that this can sound expected, but dont they have a better way to use 110 tons of tomatoes? I dont want to say they can give them away for charity, but cant they make hundreds of liters of Gazpacho and then give it away for free to everybody?
Apart from the waste of the vegetable, can you imagine the damage that a town can suffer from such a fight? Everywhere will be dirty and red and who is going to pay for all that mess?
Ok, ok, this is not that different from the Oranges battle Italians are fighting during Carnival in Ivrea, but why for? Can people think about a smarter way to have fun than wasting food?

Comments?

Wednesday

My sister yesterday finally came back from New Zealand. She landed in Rome early in the morning and the first thing I did when I woke up was checking if her flight arrived. She called me in the very moment I reached th office, she seemed fine, maybe tired, but nothing easier after such a long trip.
We shortly talked, she said she was about to call me back in the afternoon, but she didnt. She is´s not online now and I doubt she is already working. She has also lost her mobile phone sim card, so I have no choice to talk to her.

Yesterday I went to pick up my bike from being repaired, but it wasnt ready yet. I should go tonight after work again and then I´ll see how is my beloved bike looking. Nothing much I can do right now to change things.

I cannot stand anymore the atmosphere at work. Everybody is so unpolite, so rude, so upset. I can´t stand people arriving in the office at 10 already with a grin on their faces, already so aggressive. I mean, if you are like that at 10 o´clock in the morning, how will you be at 10 in the evening?
Everybody is constantly complaining about something and this is just making the job of everybody more and more difficult.

I am tired. I am extremely tired. I am always up to something, I have no time for myself. Indeed: what I need it´s some time for myself.
And this seems really the most difficult thing to get right now. Some time for myself and some days off.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I woke up yesterday morning, looked out from the window and I saw my bike completely burnt.
I mean, not completely, but I have to change a wheel, the saddle, the mudguard, not to talk about re install the lights and see if everything could work properly again. Some idiots burnt a big bin for recycling papers just in front of my bike. Not much remained of the bin and it was really a big one. Everything was still stinking of smoke so much where I went checking how bad the damages were.
Bad. They´re bad.
I went to the Police and I denunced the fact. They already had the name of my bike and its damages. Not much they can do about that, but in case they will be able to catch who start the fire, I can be refound. I dont think this will ever happen, but who knows.

I went home. I wanted to speak with my father about what had just happened, so I called my parents place. I shouldnt have do that, I should have called my father mobile.
My mother answered, I told her the fact and she had a dry reaction. Fine, not a big news she has dry reactions. But then she told me she´s worried about me living here in Berlin, about my unsettled life. Who said I want to settle? She said that if I want to have a settled life, a flat, a family, I have to go back to Italy. She told me that she understand that I am trying to live my life my way but she said she is not accepting it.
She meant that I have to go back to Italy, going working with my father. Then they will buy me a flat and then I will be the saddest person ever. I dont care about the flat, you cant buy happiness with a fucking flat. I dont care about going back to Italy, what do I still have there? Nothing.
I cant understand my mother being so worried. Living in Italy is much more difficult than living here.
What she told me yesterday have been the worst psychological violence I have ever had. It has been a bad emotional blackmail and this is definitely not what I need right now. Does she think that she can buy my life so easily? No, it wont be that easy. I have spent 25 years of my life trying to make her happier and as soon as I have started to make myself happy everything changed and nothing was ok anymore.
This time I wont give up.

Later in the day I went to see "The Dark Knight". The movie was extremely well done. The special effects were great but Gotham City looked more like New York than the Gotham City I have in my imaginary. The Joker was even more evil than I would have expected and Batman seemed to me a superhero with a fragile soul. Gary Oldman was sexy even in the part of the moustached liutenant. It was an ok movie, I thought the plot could have been much, much better. I read so many articles about this movie and so many reviews that I thought it was probably one of the best action movie of the last ten years. I have liked it, but less than I would have thought.

Went to bed late, as usual, thinking about my sister finally coming back from New Zealand.
When I was falling asleep I thought that in the moment you understand that the ones who should love you no matter what you do turn their back, then you are really all alone.

Weekend

I went out with my friends yesterday, same restaurant, same bar afterwards, same great fun!
Today I went to the hairdresser, but you can barely notice. I have asked him for something rock'n'roll, but probably he didnt get it, as the haircut I have now is far from being rock'n'roll. But I like it and he didnt cut much which is the best.
Tonight I am going out again, but I want to go home pretty early as I am tired. I should do so many things, but I am too tired to do everything.

I just want my guitar here with me. I know I could definitely sleep much, much better.

Being busy in doing nothing!

I have complained some days ago about how busy I was.
I have actually done nothing of the list of the things I had to do. And today´s Thursday.
I´ll end up doing nothing of the things I had to do and I did nothing this past week.
And I´m tired anyway....

Getting married

One of my best friends got married last year. It was a beautiful wedding, she looked gorgeous and so happy. I manage not to cry too much. In fact I almost didnt cry, as I was probably busier getting drunk. To be honest I arrived at the wedding already drunk, this is probably why I didnt cry. But I was the bridesmaid and I had plenty of reason to get drunk.
Her sister, which I equally love, got married two months later. I kind of got upset, as she didnt tell me anything and as I wasnt one of her eight bridesmaids, but she got married in Senegal and it could have been difficult for me to reach her there. When she told me, I cried a lot.
Two of my former classmates got married two years ago. One already has a baby, the other one I dont know.
Another friend of mine will get married next month.
One of my Norwegian classmates got married last Saturday.
One of my collegue will get married soon too.

Everybody is getting married. Is there something in the air that makes people that crazy?
Everybody is getting married and, it seems a consequence, getting fat too. My friends in Norway took all about 10 kilo in almost 10 years. I have no intention of getting marrier and I lost something like 17 kg in those 10 years.
I know that is girlish, I know.....

But I want to be the one to walk in the sun and girls just wanna have fun. Or at least I want to have fun and I dont want neither to compromise nor to give up that young.

Peace.

Grinderman

Bought no books, no diary (I have just remembered that I had one at home), but a great Cd. 

Grinderman. I'm listening to it right now. Great noise, great guitars, great voice, great boots my dear Nick, as usual. 

All that I need right now. 

Plans

Feierabend.

Putting my headphones on, my loved Einstürzende Neubauten as loud as possible, taking my bike, going to my favourite place on earth, the Bookshop and shopping, shopping, shopping.
I´ll buy a diary, so I will have no excuse. I must write then. Here, on a real diary, everywhere.
I´ll cure myself somehow. I want to get back to my life.

"you can spend your time alone, redigesting past regrets...or you can come to terms and realize you are the only one who cannot forgive yourself...but it makes much more sense to live in the present tense."

Thanks eV. You´re still the one.

19.08.2008

Today should be one of my good days according to my Horoscop. It is also saying that I should try to be creative and inspired and that I should try to shut up regarding some question that I dont like that much. Well, thanks a lot for the usefull information, I do know that I always have to shut up as when I am saying what I am actually thinking I just make problems....

It has been an hard night again. Couldnt sleep, I was freezing, bad dreams and so on. I am wondering when all this will come to an end. I cant stand anymore waking up and being already tired, as I havent been able to sleep properly. I am thinking if I cant sleep, how will I ever dream again?

At least I have a pretty busy week:

• I still have to decide when I will go to Italy to solve my University paperwork and this will definitely take a while. Planning such a short trip is always a useless stress. Going there for such a short period is always a useless stress. Going there is always a useless stress.

• Some time ago I have lost the certificate that states that I am living in Berlin. I really didnt care that much, as I didnt actually need it. But two weeks ago I went to the beautiful library in Potsdamer Str and they told me that to bring the books home they need this certificate. So I probably have to wake up extremely early tomorrow morning and going to the related office and make a duplicate of the certificate. With no books I cant begin writing my thesis properly.

• My shoes are all broken. I dont know how I can manage to break all my shoes. I need to throw away all my sneakers, they all have such big holes that I am kind of ashamed to wear them. My boots are beginning to melt on the top, my cowboy boots are all broken inside and to take them off is nearly impossible, my new shoes already broke, but I´ll try to bring them back and see what the girl in the shop says.
  

• Need to go to the Public Library, which is actually one of the best thing I have to do this week as I love going to the Library. I feel safe and calm.
  

• Need to go buying some books for my thesis and this sucks, as buying booky means spending money and if normally I dont care that much, lately I am kind of more carefull...

• Need to go to my German class and find also another German school, as the one I am currently going is too expensive and I wont afford another intensive course there, unfortunately. So, if anybody knows a cheap and good Language School in Berlin, please let me know.
  

In the meantime I also have to work and study.

Wasnt life supposed to be more than that?

Where Am I ?

Everything I do, I do it because I am incredibly scared to be mediocre.


Everything I do, should be as I am want it to be. I am extremely intransigent with myself and if I am not achieveing what I want to, I simply go crazy and I spend the most of the times blaming myself as I couldnt reach what I wanted to reach. This is the reason why I face any challenge. I need to prove to myself that I am stronger than myself.
Some years ago, the very day I have left my hometown to go on holiday, I got chicken pox. I fought against my body. Against fever, against my weakness, against myself. I went from Bologna to Bergen (Norway) , by train, in two days. Alone. No books. No mp3 player. No diary. No pen. Nothing. Just me, myself and I. I needed to think and I needed to talk with myself and try to compromise with myself.

I am always fighting with myself. Not with other people, just with myself.

I left for Norway alone as I needed to clarify more than a couple of things with myself. I did indeed clarify them, but now I know that I should stop thinking about a certain man, somebody who looked like an angel and acted the same way. He was an angel, I am sure of that. But this person doesnt exist anymore. Or better, he does exist, but in a life that is not my life anymore. And, in addition, he left me alone. He left me alone and I just got his grave to cry on now. A grave that I dont want to visit, as I have already cried enough.

I learnt that I can reach whatvere I want after that trip, but that was something I already knew.

My past is, as per definition, past and I should stop thinking about certain episodes of my life. But the harder i try, the harder seems to be.

Apart from this, I havent learnt anything from that. I am just more confused. Probably I have never been so confused before.

if my conscience would stop screaming more than my paranoia I would screw up everything and leave behind everything that I have achieved until now. But I simply cant.

This is not myself.

Not the person who's writing.

Where is Martina?

Pakistan is denouncing violence on Women

If you are easily offedended you shouldnt click here below:

http://www.repubblica.it/2006/05/gallerie/esteri/donne-sfregiate/1.html

Un'altra notte terribile

Ho passato un'altra notte terribile. Un'altra di una ormai lunga serie. Non riesco a dormire. Quando mi addormento il sonno è più un dormiveglia. Mi sveglio di continuo, di soprassalto ma, soprattutto, mi sveglio che sto male.
Stanotte mi è passata davanti agli occhi, mentre ero in dormiveglia, tutta la storia con Marco. Mi è passata davanti come se qualcuno stesse mandando avanti velocemente un dvd e ho rivisto in pochissimi attimi tutto. Dal concerto dei Mudhoney all'ultima volta che sono andata via da casa sua, assolutamente conscia che sarebbe stata l'ultima, ma forte. Non ho pianto, quella volta. Sono semplicemente tornata, dove?, non ricordo nemmeno. Ma non ho pianto.
Alle 7 ero sveglia, già con gli occhi spalancati e di pessimo umore. Adesso vorrei piangere.
I miei occhi sono ancora spalancati e il mio umore continua ad essere pessimo.
Nothing change, as usual, ma se continua a non cambiare diventerà un problema.

Teo

Where are you? I need you. Why can't I talk with you whenever I want? Why can't you come to my place, pick my up and then driving me up to your beloved hills, where you show me everything you have pictured in your mind, showing me all your dreams and thoughts and memories?
It hurts sometimes know that I can't have you on my side whenever I want. I know it's selfish, but I also know that you don't care, as you have always loved me for what am. This is also the reason why we love each other so much, because we don't ask each other anything than spend together a couple of hours per year.
This is more than enough for us, my friend. And I really know that, when you'll read this words, you'll smile and think about me and this is something that already makes me happier.
I always love you as I always did.

P.S.: I have just remember that night when we were at your place, then we went out and I have lost you, myself and my glasses. Do you still remember?

Back to the good, old times

Si può vincere una guerra in due, e forse anche da solo, si può estrarre il cuore anche al più nero assissino, ma è più difficile cambiare un'idea. Il mio sogno è un taglio netto a tutto e voglio che sia più reale potrei stare ore ed ore a parlare al silenzio, ma è più difficile cambiare un'idea.

Indecisione e bisogni.

Impellente bisogno di scrivere. Mi ritrovo sempre in bilico tra il non saper decidere se voler scrivere su carta o sul blog. Sono sempre nel baratro dell'indecisione.
Ma ho davvero bisogno di scrivere, visto che non riesco a parlare.