Everything I do, should be as I am want it to be. I am extremely intransigent with myself and if I am not achieveing what I want to, I simply go crazy and I spend the most of the times blaming myself as I couldnt reach what I wanted to reach. This is the reason why I face any challenge. I need to prove to myself that I am stronger than myself.
Some years ago, the very day I have left my hometown to go on holiday, I got chicken pox. I fought against my body. Against fever, against my weakness, against myself. I went from Bologna to Bergen (Norway) , by train, in two days. Alone. No books. No mp3 player. No diary. No pen. Nothing. Just me, myself and I. I needed to think and I needed to talk with myself and try to compromise with myself.
I am always fighting with myself. Not with other people, just with myself.
I left for Norway alone as I needed to clarify more than a couple of things with myself. I did indeed clarify them, but now I know that I should stop thinking about a certain man, somebody who looked like an angel and acted the same way. He was an angel, I am sure of that. But this person doesnt exist anymore. Or better, he does exist, but in a life that is not my life anymore. And, in addition, he left me alone. He left me alone and I just got his grave to cry on now. A grave that I dont want to visit, as I have already cried enough.
I learnt that I can reach whatvere I want after that trip, but that was something I already knew.
My past is, as per definition, past and I should stop thinking about certain episodes of my life. But the harder i try, the harder seems to be.
if my conscience would stop screaming more than my paranoia I would screw up everything and leave behind everything that I have achieved until now. But I simply cant.
This is not myself.
Not the person who's writing.
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